Break Up With.
The personal care brands that are gaslighting you, the chemistry hiding behind the advertising, and the clean swaps that actually do the job. One brand at a time.
Goop wellness drops: a luxury-priced shrug
Gwyneth's wellness empire monetised the placebo effect at $90 a bottle. The ingredients are unremarkable. The branding is the entire product. Skip — and what to use instead.
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Cymbiotika: liposomal delivery, luxury pricing, and a thin evidence base
Silver foil pouches of liposomal vitamin C and glutathione at $80 a month per SKU. The delivery system is real. The clinical case for most people isn't. Skip — and what to take instead.
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Function of Beauty: the customisation quiz is the product, not the shampoo
A direct-to-consumer brand that turned a personality quiz into a billion-dollar haircare empire. The bottles are pretty. The ingredient list isn't. Skip it — and what to use instead.
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Prime Hydration: the Logan Paul drink kids carry like a status symbol
A neon sports drink marketed to children, lawsuit-grade caffeine in the energy line, and a hydration claim that doesn't survive its own ingredient list. Skip it — and what to drink instead.
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Recess CBD Seltzer review: the prettiest can in your fridge does almost nothing
$3 a can for 10mg of broad-spectrum CBD and "adaptogens" measured in milligrams that would not move a mouse. We took apart the dosing maths and the marketing — and what you should actually drink when your nervous system is asking for help.
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Erewhon $20 smoothies: status drink, vending-machine inputs
A celebrity-collab smoothie that costs more than most lunches and uses ingredients you can buy for €4. The vibe is the product.
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Bloom Nutrition Greens: TikTok-famous, lab-thin, sugar-bright
A flavoured pink-green powder that sold itself with dance videos. The label tells a less viral story. Skip.
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Gruns kids gummies: a multivitamin shaped like candy
Pretty pouches, parent-friendly TikTok, and a fibre claim that does not survive a label read. Skip.
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Collagen creamers: pretty pouch, hydrolysed waste of money
They taste nice in coffee. They will not plump your skin, fix your joints, or do the things the label heavily implies. Here's the actual collagen evidence — and the cheaper way to get it.
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Neuro headbands: the €500 placebo with great Instagram lighting
Apollo, Sensate, Muse, Pulsetto — the at-home "vagus nerve stimulators" cost more than therapy and do less than a 4-7-8 breath. Here's what the actual data says.
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NAD+ IV drips: €800 for a placebo with a needle
The longevity clinic's favourite upsell. The molecule is real. The IV route is mostly theatre, and the people selling it know it.
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Break Up With Vaseline
Vaseline is petroleum jelly. The clue is in the name. Here is what that actually means for your skin, your hormones, and the industry it props up — and what to put in the jar instead.
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Break Up With Axe
Axe sells teenage boys a body spray made of synthetic musks, phthalate-suspected fragrance, and a propellant cloud you can taste. There is a reason your bathroom smells like a chemistry lab.
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Break Up With Dove
Dove sells you "Real Beauty" while pumping microplastics, synthetic fragrance, and palm-oil deforestation into your bathroom. Here is the receipts version — and the clean swaps worth switching to.
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Break Up With Sunsilk
Sunsilk sells "expert hair" to women in the global south using the same surfactant base, same silicone film, and same fragrance black box as every other Unilever shampoo. Here is what the bottle actually does.
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